FAG SAYS: I met a guy at a bar one Saturday night. I spent the night at his house. We started seeing each other every Saturday. We'd meet out. We'd socialize with his friends or people we met out. We’d drink. We'd dance. And when the bars would close, we’d go back to his place where I would spend the night. We’d wake up the next morning and go to brunch and talk. I’d go home. This went on for a few months until he decided that he wanted to talk. He indicated to me that he had had a couple bad relationships in his past and had no desire to have another. Therefore, he would feel comfortable if we just considered ourselves “friends with benefits”. Initially I had a hard time with this concept since we were compatible in so many ways. I hoped for more. As time went by it was clear his fear of a relationship was going to keep me at bay. So, I played the game. I thought I was doing quite well. In his defense, though, I think that he really was trying to play above board with me. Yet, he kept sending me mixed messages, in my opinion, which left me hoping for more. Sometimes in the bar he would put his arm around me when we were with his friends. Sometimes he would put his arm around me when we walked home to his house after the bars closed. Sometimes he would slip and for a brief moment you could see the feelings he was trying so hard not to acknowledge. I may do this with close friends, but I don't go home and have sex with my close friends. Even sex with him was more like lovemaking. His bad? My bad? Or maybe both our bad?
Then one day he tells me he wants to have a frank conversation. He relays to me that, for my own benefit, and because he does not want to see me hurt, that he just wants to be friends. To be honest, I was speechless. He's telling me this in the middle of the crowded restaurant where we went to eat lunch. What was he expecting me to say? “Okay, sounds like a plan. Waiter, I’ll take the lunch special.” Give me a break!! I told him I lost my appetite and wanted to leave. He apologized for being insensitive in his timing. Then he asked if I wanted to leave alone or did I want him to come with me. I thought, “I can't believe he asked me that”. Of course I want to leave by myself. So I did. He followed. He kept talking. I was getting angrier. He kept saying that he wanted to be friends for my benefit. I thought, “stop using the words ‘friend’ and ‘benefit’ in the same sentence”. I kept wondering how just being friends benefited me. He kept saying he felt very bad. I asked him how he could feel bad when he seemed to be getting everything that he wanted. I went home. I kept thinking how I could just be friends with this guy for whom I have developed feelings. Why would I want to put myself in a position of being close to someone or something that I really want and know I can't have? Did he really not see the emotionally difficult position he was putting me in at that moment? Did he really not see that proclaiming that he only wanted to be friends would put me in future difficult emotional positions?
Honestly, I mean no disrespect to him. He is a decent and caring individual. Unfortunately, though, one can't fight someone's determinations. Too bad because we shared so many things in common and on so many levels. I realize I couldn't care less what his friends would think of me if I were to agree to the demotion of "friend". I realize, as well, that it would be difficult for me every time I was with him and I could not allow me to put me in a situation like that. After all, I have my self respect. I feel this is not over, but I'm not sure how not over it really is. Am I still hoping for something I will not have?
HAG SAYS: The fact is that he did tell you from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship and more hoping on your part will not change that. You interpreted his actions through your desires. You were projecting your desires onto him. I know you don’t want it to be over, but doing what you have been doing has made him back away. Do you want to play the “I am not going to communicate with him” game? If so, are you prepared for him NOT to contact you? Or, are you ready to let it go, for the dance to be over?
Now, with all that said, I want to say that this shit pisses me off! This is the same shit that women have been hearing from men forever. They give you enough to keep you coming back for more but never enough to make you feel truly secure. He has told you from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship but behaves in a way that encourages you to hope; to fantasize that he really does care deeply about you even though he doesn’t realize it yet. The fact is you are not getting what you want and all the analyzing and speculating and interpreting of his actions just wastes your time.
He is calling the shots. He is in control. Oh yeah, and don’t get me started on that “I don’t want you to be hurt” BS. If he didn’t want you to be hurt, he wouldn’t have allowed it to become intimate or express physical affection for you. The message would have been clear from the beginning both in word and deed. He wanted to have sex with you and he did. He found you desirable and wanted his friends to see you together. Great. Knowing you, I am sure that he enjoyed spending time with you. But now he is pulling back and you can think to yourself, as many of us have in the past, “oh he is afraid of his true feelings.” It doesn’t matter if that is the case. I would like you not to spend more of your precious time and emotions on someone who does not value all that you are.
As your hag, I love you and want you to love yourself. Self respect means we don’t have to prove ourselves to anyone, not even ourselves. You don’t need him to validate who you are. His issues are not your responsibility. Decide on what you truly want and don’t settle for less. Decide on whom you want to be and be it. Old patterns do not have to continue.
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