FAG SAYS: Check out this article a friend sent to me (http://jezebel.com/5339864/is-it-time-to-retire-the-term-fag-hag). I mean no disrespect to anyone (and I am in no way implying that anyone else adopt this moniker based upon my rationale for use), but I don’t understand why there has to be so much analysis over the meaning of the term “fag hag”. It has individual meanings for everyone. For some it means the basic definition of a fag versus, or in conjunction with, that of a hag. In our specific case, we just happen to consider ourselves a fag who loves his hag who loves her fag. Period. We don’t ferret out the definition of each word and assign value/meaning accordingly. We have our own special meaning behind the words together. It was the term of the day, it stuck, and it is still applicable to us. We all have the right to call ourselves whatever we want without scrutiny. I don’t want my relationship analyzed and deemed passé and/or toxic. It is what it is to us. I personally prefer the word “queer” to “gay”. And I don’t particularly like the word “fag” except when it is coupled with the word “hag”. Apart, they may have totally different meanings associated with negative connotations but when used in conjunction with each other they are, for me personally, a representation of a nurturing, protective and loving relationship that has developed over the decades between my bestest friend in the whole wide world and me!
HAG SAYS: After reading this article, "it is time to retire..." I am so over this whole discussion. I have a best friend. We have been friends for decades. He is gay. We are committed to our friendship for life. We know what it means to us. I don't need anyone who is not involved in our relationship to tell me about it, nor what the words we use within that friendship mean. He is not my fashion accessory, my pet, nor someone I need to make me look good. I find this whole reference to be insulting to us both. He is a human being with whom I have shared all that I am able to share with anyone, not because he is GAY but because of the man he is.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Children the Challenge
FAG SAYS: I read an article in the newspaper about the current gap in test scores between certain groups of students. It speaks about how teachers should be more adequately trained to better serve the “special needs” of these children. And, for clarification sake, they are referring to regular public school students. I am appalled as to how the brunt of the burden, as expressed in the article, is heaped upon the teachers for the children’s lack of learning. Are the parents blameless in all this??? Why is the entire burden put on the teachers? What about the students, themselves? I work downtown and I see the kids hanging out on the sidewalks/streets when they should be in school. And, I listen to them converse on public transportation and I cannot understand a word they say!! The parents appear to play no part in their child’s educational or societal skills. Does it not make sense that the first line of defense should be with the parents and everything else would be ancillary?
HAG SAYS: It sometimes appears to be a losing battle. Our heroes are not teachers or authors, artists or philanthropists. They are "musicians", if you can call them that, or athletes or movie stars or professional wrestlers. There is, and has been, an anti-intellectualism that runs rampant through our society. Ignorance is the norm, mediocrity is acceptable and anyone who is a contrarian is just not a good, patriotic American.
It appears to me that kids are in control. Far be it from me to discipline some little snot that is disturbing everyone else in the class and being disrespectful to me. I have had a grandmother yell at me because I spoke harshly to her little darling when he was throwing pencils and calling another kid's mother ugly. I have been getting dirty looks from the parents of one of my kids who is playing around in class and defying my authority. They should be telling their kid to shape up and taking his privileges away from him if he does not. I am so over spoiled brats.
The trend is to let kids do what they want and then expect teachers to be able to educate them when they exhibit no self-control. A child who misbehaves not only stops learning, he stops everyone from learning. Maybe if parents realize this, they would support a strong discipline policy in their schools. Some parents do not realize that the behavior that is allowed at home may not be appropriate when a teacher is dealing with 30 kids and trying to provide appropriate education. Home is where one should feel safe to act out and develop one's sense of self. School is where one needs to understand their part in a society that has rules of conduct. Schools are not day-care centers; they are academic institutions where standards of behavior are required to allow children the opportunity to be successful.
Perhaps teachers should go to birthing classes and explain to expectant mothers that in five years their child will become part of the society of school and there are expectations of behavior. Every tribe, society, and pride has social norms and it is the responsibility of parents to communicate to their children those expectations. If we were viewing this from the context of the wild animal community, there could be dire circumstances if the "child" did not function as they should. And we think that we are superior.
HAG SAYS: It sometimes appears to be a losing battle. Our heroes are not teachers or authors, artists or philanthropists. They are "musicians", if you can call them that, or athletes or movie stars or professional wrestlers. There is, and has been, an anti-intellectualism that runs rampant through our society. Ignorance is the norm, mediocrity is acceptable and anyone who is a contrarian is just not a good, patriotic American.
It appears to me that kids are in control. Far be it from me to discipline some little snot that is disturbing everyone else in the class and being disrespectful to me. I have had a grandmother yell at me because I spoke harshly to her little darling when he was throwing pencils and calling another kid's mother ugly. I have been getting dirty looks from the parents of one of my kids who is playing around in class and defying my authority. They should be telling their kid to shape up and taking his privileges away from him if he does not. I am so over spoiled brats.
The trend is to let kids do what they want and then expect teachers to be able to educate them when they exhibit no self-control. A child who misbehaves not only stops learning, he stops everyone from learning. Maybe if parents realize this, they would support a strong discipline policy in their schools. Some parents do not realize that the behavior that is allowed at home may not be appropriate when a teacher is dealing with 30 kids and trying to provide appropriate education. Home is where one should feel safe to act out and develop one's sense of self. School is where one needs to understand their part in a society that has rules of conduct. Schools are not day-care centers; they are academic institutions where standards of behavior are required to allow children the opportunity to be successful.
Perhaps teachers should go to birthing classes and explain to expectant mothers that in five years their child will become part of the society of school and there are expectations of behavior. Every tribe, society, and pride has social norms and it is the responsibility of parents to communicate to their children those expectations. If we were viewing this from the context of the wild animal community, there could be dire circumstances if the "child" did not function as they should. And we think that we are superior.
Self Respect
FAG SAYS: I met a guy at a bar one Saturday night. I spent the night at his house. We started seeing each other every Saturday. We'd meet out. We'd socialize with his friends or people we met out. We’d drink. We'd dance. And when the bars would close, we’d go back to his place where I would spend the night. We’d wake up the next morning and go to brunch and talk. I’d go home. This went on for a few months until he decided that he wanted to talk. He indicated to me that he had had a couple bad relationships in his past and had no desire to have another. Therefore, he would feel comfortable if we just considered ourselves “friends with benefits”. Initially I had a hard time with this concept since we were compatible in so many ways. I hoped for more. As time went by it was clear his fear of a relationship was going to keep me at bay. So, I played the game. I thought I was doing quite well. In his defense, though, I think that he really was trying to play above board with me. Yet, he kept sending me mixed messages, in my opinion, which left me hoping for more. Sometimes in the bar he would put his arm around me when we were with his friends. Sometimes he would put his arm around me when we walked home to his house after the bars closed. Sometimes he would slip and for a brief moment you could see the feelings he was trying so hard not to acknowledge. I may do this with close friends, but I don't go home and have sex with my close friends. Even sex with him was more like lovemaking. His bad? My bad? Or maybe both our bad?
Then one day he tells me he wants to have a frank conversation. He relays to me that, for my own benefit, and because he does not want to see me hurt, that he just wants to be friends. To be honest, I was speechless. He's telling me this in the middle of the crowded restaurant where we went to eat lunch. What was he expecting me to say? “Okay, sounds like a plan. Waiter, I’ll take the lunch special.” Give me a break!! I told him I lost my appetite and wanted to leave. He apologized for being insensitive in his timing. Then he asked if I wanted to leave alone or did I want him to come with me. I thought, “I can't believe he asked me that”. Of course I want to leave by myself. So I did. He followed. He kept talking. I was getting angrier. He kept saying that he wanted to be friends for my benefit. I thought, “stop using the words ‘friend’ and ‘benefit’ in the same sentence”. I kept wondering how just being friends benefited me. He kept saying he felt very bad. I asked him how he could feel bad when he seemed to be getting everything that he wanted. I went home. I kept thinking how I could just be friends with this guy for whom I have developed feelings. Why would I want to put myself in a position of being close to someone or something that I really want and know I can't have? Did he really not see the emotionally difficult position he was putting me in at that moment? Did he really not see that proclaiming that he only wanted to be friends would put me in future difficult emotional positions?
Honestly, I mean no disrespect to him. He is a decent and caring individual. Unfortunately, though, one can't fight someone's determinations. Too bad because we shared so many things in common and on so many levels. I realize I couldn't care less what his friends would think of me if I were to agree to the demotion of "friend". I realize, as well, that it would be difficult for me every time I was with him and I could not allow me to put me in a situation like that. After all, I have my self respect. I feel this is not over, but I'm not sure how not over it really is. Am I still hoping for something I will not have?
HAG SAYS: The fact is that he did tell you from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship and more hoping on your part will not change that. You interpreted his actions through your desires. You were projecting your desires onto him. I know you don’t want it to be over, but doing what you have been doing has made him back away. Do you want to play the “I am not going to communicate with him” game? If so, are you prepared for him NOT to contact you? Or, are you ready to let it go, for the dance to be over?
Now, with all that said, I want to say that this shit pisses me off! This is the same shit that women have been hearing from men forever. They give you enough to keep you coming back for more but never enough to make you feel truly secure. He has told you from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship but behaves in a way that encourages you to hope; to fantasize that he really does care deeply about you even though he doesn’t realize it yet. The fact is you are not getting what you want and all the analyzing and speculating and interpreting of his actions just wastes your time.
He is calling the shots. He is in control. Oh yeah, and don’t get me started on that “I don’t want you to be hurt” BS. If he didn’t want you to be hurt, he wouldn’t have allowed it to become intimate or express physical affection for you. The message would have been clear from the beginning both in word and deed. He wanted to have sex with you and he did. He found you desirable and wanted his friends to see you together. Great. Knowing you, I am sure that he enjoyed spending time with you. But now he is pulling back and you can think to yourself, as many of us have in the past, “oh he is afraid of his true feelings.” It doesn’t matter if that is the case. I would like you not to spend more of your precious time and emotions on someone who does not value all that you are.
As your hag, I love you and want you to love yourself. Self respect means we don’t have to prove ourselves to anyone, not even ourselves. You don’t need him to validate who you are. His issues are not your responsibility. Decide on what you truly want and don’t settle for less. Decide on whom you want to be and be it. Old patterns do not have to continue.
Then one day he tells me he wants to have a frank conversation. He relays to me that, for my own benefit, and because he does not want to see me hurt, that he just wants to be friends. To be honest, I was speechless. He's telling me this in the middle of the crowded restaurant where we went to eat lunch. What was he expecting me to say? “Okay, sounds like a plan. Waiter, I’ll take the lunch special.” Give me a break!! I told him I lost my appetite and wanted to leave. He apologized for being insensitive in his timing. Then he asked if I wanted to leave alone or did I want him to come with me. I thought, “I can't believe he asked me that”. Of course I want to leave by myself. So I did. He followed. He kept talking. I was getting angrier. He kept saying that he wanted to be friends for my benefit. I thought, “stop using the words ‘friend’ and ‘benefit’ in the same sentence”. I kept wondering how just being friends benefited me. He kept saying he felt very bad. I asked him how he could feel bad when he seemed to be getting everything that he wanted. I went home. I kept thinking how I could just be friends with this guy for whom I have developed feelings. Why would I want to put myself in a position of being close to someone or something that I really want and know I can't have? Did he really not see the emotionally difficult position he was putting me in at that moment? Did he really not see that proclaiming that he only wanted to be friends would put me in future difficult emotional positions?
Honestly, I mean no disrespect to him. He is a decent and caring individual. Unfortunately, though, one can't fight someone's determinations. Too bad because we shared so many things in common and on so many levels. I realize I couldn't care less what his friends would think of me if I were to agree to the demotion of "friend". I realize, as well, that it would be difficult for me every time I was with him and I could not allow me to put me in a situation like that. After all, I have my self respect. I feel this is not over, but I'm not sure how not over it really is. Am I still hoping for something I will not have?
HAG SAYS: The fact is that he did tell you from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship and more hoping on your part will not change that. You interpreted his actions through your desires. You were projecting your desires onto him. I know you don’t want it to be over, but doing what you have been doing has made him back away. Do you want to play the “I am not going to communicate with him” game? If so, are you prepared for him NOT to contact you? Or, are you ready to let it go, for the dance to be over?
Now, with all that said, I want to say that this shit pisses me off! This is the same shit that women have been hearing from men forever. They give you enough to keep you coming back for more but never enough to make you feel truly secure. He has told you from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship but behaves in a way that encourages you to hope; to fantasize that he really does care deeply about you even though he doesn’t realize it yet. The fact is you are not getting what you want and all the analyzing and speculating and interpreting of his actions just wastes your time.
He is calling the shots. He is in control. Oh yeah, and don’t get me started on that “I don’t want you to be hurt” BS. If he didn’t want you to be hurt, he wouldn’t have allowed it to become intimate or express physical affection for you. The message would have been clear from the beginning both in word and deed. He wanted to have sex with you and he did. He found you desirable and wanted his friends to see you together. Great. Knowing you, I am sure that he enjoyed spending time with you. But now he is pulling back and you can think to yourself, as many of us have in the past, “oh he is afraid of his true feelings.” It doesn’t matter if that is the case. I would like you not to spend more of your precious time and emotions on someone who does not value all that you are.
As your hag, I love you and want you to love yourself. Self respect means we don’t have to prove ourselves to anyone, not even ourselves. You don’t need him to validate who you are. His issues are not your responsibility. Decide on what you truly want and don’t settle for less. Decide on whom you want to be and be it. Old patterns do not have to continue.
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